My Writing

The rain and lightning and thunder pound down,
the howling wind whines;

I go to close my blinds, and there's a woman,
on the swings,
that lives behind my home.

The wind and rain pour over her
And yet she is swinging high and free.

Unknown to the future, forgotten by the past,

She lives here, now.

I first thought she was crazy.
But then, I felt jealous.

I want to be her, outside of my home, with her.
Being free.

Yet I chose to stay inside instead.
no one forced me to.

I just did. It felt like what I was supposed to do.

But since when should we do what we're supposed to do? Why? How? Where and When?

I change my mind.
Here. Now.

Because I can.

She's not crazy.
She is free.

When i didn’t believe in what They said
They then told me that i was Wrong.
and when i had anything to say back
They then told me it’s Too Long.

To Matter.
but who am i that i can’t become
this Person that i already am?
i’m trapped inside this tiny box with no
WindowsorAirorLoveorFreedomorKindnessorIndividualityandiJustFeel.

Trapped.
i no longer separate my feelings
i was ‘given’ this but not by choice.
i am cluttered and clumped and soon enough dumped
then i’ll be out of my own way
to think
and to link
the thoughts that i’ve had
that have been SilencedandCensoredandShhhdandMuffledandMutedandImplicitlyUnsaid
for longer than i can remember What Was.

Important.
this isn’t what i wanted.
but because i’m here and because i’m afraid
to leave, I will be haunted.

i tried to believe, because no one did call
the bluffs of the ManyBeforeUsWhoToldUs
that believing was the only way to Be.

Happy.
i’m tired.
i’m cold.
i thought i gave it my all.
i didn’t have courage although i tried to stand up.
but instead all i did was Fall.
To The Floor.

PleaseNoMore.
and rather than lie victorious on the battlefield,
after a very brave fight.
i will instead lie in my premature grave
andWalkandTalkasasWellasTheyDoPretending i Have Some Might.
perhaps if they knew how their disinterest killed
They might have tried to Save.

Me.

Someone once trapped me inside of a box –
It was neither too big nor too small.
And I clamored and climbed,
I mimicked and mimed -
Only to find that no one listened at all.

So now I play biscuits and tea in my box –
With the dolls that are also there.
We pretend laugh and pretend giggle
Pretend Smile, pretend fiddle
Just to pretend that we do care.
About life’s trivialities
Other’s problems and families.
We cry at the tragedies,
Applaud the fake majesties
Think outside the box, no one dares!

Because life is safe here -
There aren’t reasons to fear!
But our dreams go untouched and our hopes go unseen.

it is better to settle
And to not touch the kettle
Piping hot with anticipation,
Absolutely not, not our nation!
Mediocrity is the goal which we cheer.

And so I learned to be
Content and not free.
For I gave up the fight
By the fall of the night.
And now I have everything
But me.

My path was never a simple one
"Always touching the stove!" Mama once said.
I never heeded the warnings, and
I never took no one's word.

I have experienced heartbreak
So PainFull that even now
I look back at my Tortured
Soul.

But at least I have one.
That has never taken the path of least
Resistance. It has always been
Shoulder, to the wheel.

I have So much Sadness
Coupled with Hope
Won't someone come bear
My cup with me?

But with this sadness came
Life. And I Love with all I
Have. And I put down my
Guard. And I get hurt, I am back up.

Because I believe in
Love.
Because I believe in
People.

Because I believe in
Goodness.
Because I believe in
Action.

I may have lost
But I have Loved.
And I still Love.
And I will always Love.

Wrapped in the loneliness I feel
Another day has passed.
I smile a hopeful one,
Praying.

The day starts as any other.
Wake up missing this person
I once was praying, now
Hoping.

So full of Life
So full of Dreams
So Inspired
So Naïve

I had never felt
The pain of heartbreak!
I had never known
The pain of settling!

But now. I feel
So dull inside, lacking
The spark that once,
Gave.

But now. I know
The guilt inside, lacking
The person I’m not,
Becoming.

But I march on
My sadness will leave
For I am
ToughandResilientandPassionateand I CARE.

I care.
I really care.
I really love
to Really Care.

I Once Belonged to Someone.
It was.
Indescribeable.

Then I Did Not Belong to Him.
It was.

Did He Not Know How Much I Loved.
Who.
He was?

My thoughts surrounded the memories.
And I wondered, thought.
I prayed.
That I might find Someone better.
stronger.
was
Mine.

So I went to search for Someone.
Who.
was.
better. stronger. mine.

Only to find that he did not exist.
It was.
Hell.

Now I move on day by day,
I try
to keep up the pace.
And like an insane,
I keep looking.
for him.
When he does not exist.

silently screaming and crying and shouting
with
every
profoundness
of my soul.
I keep looking.
for
what was.

In the morning I will go to the mirror.
paint my face.
lips will curl a smile.
eyes will stare
sadly
at the person
looking
back
at me.
it is.

he does not want to exist.
it is.
I.
belong to no one.

Sometimes the rain comes
in a non-literal way
You thought life could not get better
and it didn't.

Now you wake up in the morning
with a frown on your face
and you wonder when it started to fall.

The turning point was then or now?
During the time of the smiling sun, or when the clouds were clenching their anger?

You were young. You believed those damn lies.

So the lies started and you barely paid attention -
like sprinkles of water, scarce and unnoticed.

But before you could even reach home -
Those clouds began to Pour down their angered tears
pounding and Pounding and POUNDING, harder and Harder and HARDER!

until you couldn't even see what was once in front of you.
You realize that there is no more home, though you desperately seek it-
because where it once was
Is where from the rain comes.